The Classic Board Game of Snake & Ladder

Do you sometimes feel that your life is like a game of Snake & Ladder? Cuz mine does feel exactly that way.

For a moment, i thought i was moving on, almost reaching square 100 before i win the game, only to land on a square with a snakehead, bringing me back to square 1. And then i have to attempt to land on a square with a ladder before i can actually climb up to end the game. I never thought Snake & Ladder was an easy game. Do you? Like the die in the game, everything is unpredictable.

Thats exactly how i've been feeling for the past 1 mth. Everytime i thought things were going smooth, when i thought i could get by everything, standing on my own without getting emotional and moody, that past just had to haunt me. I thought i really was happier. Reality is so cruel, only to discover for myself that i'm actually still back at square one. So much deceptions and hidden truth. Behind every smile in every picture could only be a facade. Behind every chatty me is only a deception. Just how long more can i lie to myself and pretend that i'm really alright? Climbing up the ladder is like a battle. There are so many things i have to grapple with. Emotions, memories, friendship, anger, hatred, happiness. I've never been hit that badly in my life before. Reality sucks doesnt it? Well, maybe thats why they always say each failure (in this case, a relationship), makes one a stronger person. I really don't know how true that is. Hopefully it'll be true for me.

For all the times ive been thinking how i don't deserve this at all. I truly don't. Life just isn't fair really. If i knew this would happen to me, i would never want it to happen at all. Never. And the worse thing is, i don't even know what i had done to land myself in this stupid sorry state. Was i unaffectionate, neglectful, unappreciative blah blah blah. I did the best i could, and God just had to put me in this mess. What kinda punishment is this? Just because i was that unreasonable, bitchy, horrible gf? But i've redeemed myself by being that almost perfect someone. Why is the punishment 10x more severe than the crime? Isn't life a game? its either we win, or we lose (it). Life, they always say to treasure it. The days in my life go by as a routine, and how am i suppose to cherish it? They say to always stop and smell the flowers. With all these burden in my mind, how else do i cherish everything else thats around me? I really don't know.

I could only wish, and continue deceiving myself.

I'll Catch You- Get Up Kids
Can you sleep as the sound hits your ears?
One at a time,
An unspoken balance here
Unabridged for so many years
That I should stare at recievers
To recieve her
isn't fair
Don't worry, I'll catch you
Don't worry, I'll catch you
Don't ever worry
Your arms in mine,
Anytime,
I wouldn't trade anything
You're still my everything
To my surprise,
Before my eyes,
You arrive
Don't worry, I'll catch you
Don't worry, I'll catch you
Don't ever worry
Still breaking old habits, habits,
You pulled the wool over me,
Now I can see everything,
Everything,
Remembering,
Jinx removing
Don't worry, I'll catch you
Don't worry, I'll catch you
Don't ever worry
No need for reminding,
You're still all that matters to me

p/s: Don't ever put Getup Kids songs onto your playlist when you know you're feeling sad and going through a bad time. They make you cry. And this song in particular makes me cry heaps, the other is Out of Reach

goodbye tummy

I'm a little annoyed at the current situation at home. To date, no one wants to talk to me, except my Dad. Today, i tried making small talks with my mom and she ignored me. WTF? How can anyone be that petty. And dinner is just plain bad. Its either i skip dinner, or eat out. The awkward silence is just BAD. Enough said. And i'm feeling so fucked up

I'm very very disturbed by some stuff

On a side note, exactly 2 years ago, I was at Sports Camp, in this OG called Bashy. I was a tad miserable on the first day because i didn't know anyone. The girls were okay, the guys were okay too, but i can't seem to click that well with many. And i missed someone real bad. Yeah Bah. Whatever. Thats so ancient. Urgh...

Dear Fatty Hobs, Yes! I've lost 1.5kg in 2 days! I beat you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And i can't seem to pinch much from my tummy now. Am i good or what? Don't tell me its water losss. ITS NOT!!!Hobs, stop eating so much you fat pig!.. Today i read a magazine, and some women lost 15kg. Hmm..if i were to lose 15kg, i'll be underweight and anorexic, but i'm not okay!. More stringent diets to come. Oh shit. i hate parties and buffet! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. And i have one party coming up on Saturday. Oh man!

Lies

Every time I feel alone I can blame it on you

And I do, oh

You got me like a loaded gun

Golden sun and sky so blue, oh

We both know that we want it

But we both know you left me no choice

If only I could give you up

But would I want to let you off

(Chaque fois que tu t'en vas)

You just bring me down

(Je prétends que tout va bien)

So I'm countin' my tears

Till I get over you

Whats up with life lately? I've been bumping into ppl directly related to him. First up was his guitarist in town, then his classmate at science camp, then his guitarist's gf on friday, and today, another of his classmate again. Gees. Whats up seriously. And whats up with my friends bumping into him in town. BAH. You know everytime i bump into his friends, they go like "hey! are you okay?" Haha. Well, what can i say? Oh i'm suicidal, i'm alcoholic, i wish i could die? Yeah right. Frankly, even if i'm not okay, i would still say that i'm okay. What else can i say seriously. I'm full of deceptions. I lie. I will lie even more. Because i've learnt the art of escapism. Just like you.

Whee

Dinner with Belle, Hobs, Tanvi

Mother Cow Evan

Freaky Evan

The rest of the pictures

HAHAHHAHA Nim!!

Mug Shot of MOI

And again

Oh, its us again!

Look at Nim!

Me & Audrey the really sweet girl

Drinks

Me & Nim

Act cool!

Hahaha

Gruce-Tockers-Nimnu

Us Again

Still acting psychotic

ok

Tockers & ME 

I think.

i'm suffering from severe exhaustion ever since SCAMP. 5 hours of sleep everyday. My day stars at 7am and ends at 2am. Go do the math.

Everyone at home is driving me up the wall. They make me wanna rebel even more. And i'll show to them what i'm capable of. I don't recall talking to anyone at home today, except my dad. hmm..i don't recall seeing my brothers too. Whatever. I'd rather move out and live by myself. And no one will use the 'i-do-your-laundry' threat against me everytime we quarrel. Thats how annoying she is. Laundry. big deal.

I actually have to go give tuition tmr. fuck. If the kid ever pisses me off again like last week, i'm so not gonna give him face. and i swear i'll storm out of his house.

I've been experiencing this throbbing feeling in my head since yesterday. And the alcohol just made it worse.

i have a million photos to post. But right now, i'm tired enough to sleep without having to tap on my emotions. I think alcohol makes me sleep better.

So goodnight one and all.

Dear Hobs: Chin up. And stop being an unhappy bitch. You wouldn't wanna remain like that for the rest of your life do you? That sounds pretty screwed. I prefer the old you.

Dear girlsfriends: I miss all of youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. You and you and you and you and you and you and you.

Dear God: I haven't been good have I?

SCAMP 2005

i'm really tired. And it doesnt help that i have to wake up early for work tmr
Today i took leave from work because Althea wants the Dinner & Dance Comm to be present at SCAMP ( Science CAMP) so we could scout for potential pageant beauties.

We went to Palawan Beach, thinking this is the best opportunity ever. We can judge them from their bodies and their au natural beauty, without make up. Hurhur. Much to my chagrin, the girls were so covered up. They wear a bikini/sports bra under a t-shirt. And this girl, even had the guts to wear a daisy duck t-shirt, that i would never wear out, unless i'm at home. I was telling Nic how hard it'll be for us to pick pageant ppl. We don't want to force ourselves to pick ppl whom we think are not that attractive. And as for the guys, slightly better, but still not that fantastic. Ching chong chang, all speaking chinese. FAINT. Then i caught an eye candy. Wah killer eyes, killer body/tan. Only to know that he's actually a senior!! (and how come i've never seen him in sch before) And he actually was the winner for last year's Union Pageant. He was like how shy, cuz we were just staring at him, and i think he saw us, and he forced a smile. A killer smile!!. Hur

We helped out in some games, did the make up for Fright Night. Wah lau, how scary can! Its at those Colonial Houses where no one lives. Gives me the creep. And i didn't dare go in. Heh. I already run up the stairs when i come home at night and you still want me to go in?

All in all, a fun-filled day, but a lousy weather. All clouds! Tan what! Haiyo!! Then we had some free time, Sharon said she wanted to trim my eye brows. So i let her do it. And you wonder why she brought a tweezer to camp. Instead of carrying a normal duffel bag, she brings a trolley bag. The kind you use when you're going bangkok or what. FAINT. Then she started talking about relationships and stuff. And when she asked how was mine, i told her it was over. And she started asking abit more, like when,why etc. And i couldn't help but like teared. And i know i couldnt get away with this tearing shit, i can't say sand went into my eye or my contacts giving me problem, cuz she was doing my eyebrows and its so obvious why i teared.! what a fucking loser i am. Glad only 3 ppl saw that. And they offered me tissue. And i told them not to talk about it anymore/ever again. While Sharon gave a lame comment " its okay to cry, but don't cry when someone is plucking your eyebrows!". haha. She's damn funny lah. At least she makes me laugh and forget about everything.

At least the sadness comes and go, and not linger forever. Maybe it does, but i always find a way to escape from being sad. Like making myself fucking tired before i go to sleep.

A little something i would like to share..

The Sunday
Sumiko Tan

"Driving along Grange Road towards Ngee Ann City one day, my heart hic-cupped.

On the other side of the road was a car which bore the licence plate of a former boyfriend. But the vehicle whizzed by too fast for me to see if it was indeed him inside.

Although that relationship ended on a bad note (he jilted me) many, many moons ago when I was barely 21, leaving me tear-soaked and seeped with sadness for a long, long time, the sighting brought back a rush of memories, which were mostly bitter. Luckily I soon reached the shopping mall.

It's wonderful how bright lights and the prospect of spending money can cheer one up.

What a low-life that guy was and what a lucky escape I had had, I told myself, zapping him from my mind as I entered the On Pedder shop where an enticing array of open-toed sandals awaited me.

Love. Can it really be eternal?

The poet Robert Graves describes love as "a universal migraine", "a bright stain on the vision/blotting out reason".

If that were so, I must by now be quite blind and without reason, for I have been in love not a few times.

It is, after all, a thrilling sensation, with all the cliches about it ringing true.

When you're in love, you see the world with new eyes.

Everything feels almost unbearably light, and life can never be more right. Everyday concerns - the mortgage, job insecurities, family problems - seem so irrelevant.

What matters is being with the object of your affection - that hot rush of anticipation as you wait for him, the warmth that engulfs you when you are finally together, the smugness in knowing you are loved.

Can there be a nicer feeling than that?

The way I see it, there are four types of people when it comes to love.

The first finds a soulmate early in life. She marries him, they set up a home, have kids, and their life's pretty settled from then on.

The second type moves from one relationship onto another, and the relationships are more often than not fraught with woes. Life is one roller-coaster ride as she soars with joy and plunges into misery.

The third sort doesn't care for relationships, for she can be perfectly happy without a beloved by her side.

Then, there is the fourth type, who dearly wishes to be involved with someone, but can't find the right partner.

I suppose I fall into the second category, for I have had my share of turbulent relationships.

Love, I have discovered, is seldom a one-way ticket to the moon.

The journey can be aborted half-way and you can find yourself hitting the ground with a bump.

Sadly, I have had my share of being brought down to earth. And, if I look back on my relationships, there are some lessons in love I have learnt:

It is better to be dumped than to dump.

Of course this is putting it simply. Life is more complex than that - there are people who deserve to be dumped.

But if both parties haven't done any wrong, I'd prefer to be the ”dumpee" than the "dumper" any day.

Of course, it hurts like crazy when you discover that a person no longer loves you. But feeling hurt is any time better than feeling guilty.

The former fuels a range of emotions - wretchedness, anger and self-pity chief among them - which are, actually, rather self-indulgent sensations and not totally unpleasant. But when you're the bad guy, there are no two ways about it - you've done something horrible to someone and the only way you can feel is lousy.

It's not love when it's stormy.

I used to think that true love had to be wrought with turbulent feelings, Wasn't this what Passion was all about? What was love without tiffs and spats, followed by dizzy kisses when you patched up?

These days, I regard a calmer life as the healthier option. Because, every time you quarrel with a loved one, you are tearing him down, and surely that can't be what love is? It should be about shoring up your partner, not bring him down.

Love just happens. You can't search for it.

There was a time when I went to parties in the hope that I'd meet someone I could fall in love with. Well, it never happened.

The relationships I treasure started from chance encounters, never through a blind date or an arranged meeting. And for those who are single, fret not.

Serendipitous meetings do happen.

If you love a person, you would want to show him off.

If you have any qualms at all about the person whom you say you love - perhaps you're embarrassed by the car he drives, or that he's balding or that he stutters or doesn't have a university degree - it can't be love.

When you love someone, you'd regard him as a trophy and want to flaunt him to the world.

A sharp knife cuts the quickest.

It also hurts the least. When love peters out and it's time to call it quits, say your adieus snappily.

Prolonging the goodbye only lengthens the misery and leaves a lousy aftertaste. Besides, a short and sweet farewell is the classiest exit.

Love scars heal.

Yes, amazingly they do, though it takes ages to forget someone who has forsaken you. You will alternate between fantasizing about looking drop-dead gorgeous and winning him back, and scheming to wreak revenge on him.

But one day, you'll wake up, gaze at his picture and feel - nothing.

If it's really love, he will marry you.

Bah you say? What a stupid notion in this day and age? A woman doesn't need the man she loves to marry her? Besides, hasn't the institution of marriage been devalued?

I used to believe all that too. But now, I regard marriage as the ultimate test. If you truly love someone, wouldn't you want to belong to him and vice-versa?

When you find your It, go for it.

When you least expect it, the thought just descends upon you - you have found your It. He's the one standing in front of you and whom you've been staying single for all your life.

It's a truly amazing sensation, and if the other person feels the same way, then it is also a wonderful one.

And if you have found your It, well, congratulations! Life's great, isn't it? "

PS: I like Janice Wong's and Sumiko Tan's articles.

While you were away..

This is dedicated to my dear friend Nim who was away for 10 months, and will be back this Monday. She has no idea what are the changes in Singapore whilst she was back in Canada

• Marina Square has just undergone a facelift. Lots of restaurants & shopping
• You stil haven't checked out Forever 21 at Wisma Atria
• Prices of movie tickets are now $7 on weekdays (excluding Fridays) and and exorbitant $9.50 on weekends. Motherfuckers.
• Prices of transport went up by 10 cents and 2-3cents if you pay by cash and EZ-Link card respectively
• The New National Library near Bugis is DAMN NICE. I think open already
• Stupid SMU is damn nice also. JEALOUS
• Not alot of our friends frequent Zouk. I guess the novelty has worn off. But we can still go.
• Bedok Corner Hawker Centre has undergone a face lift too
• BCM still tastes the same. Haha. This is so out of point.
• Terminal 2 is quite pretty now.
• Hawker Stalls selling local food are now at the Esplanade. (temporary only)
• Men have to pay extra of $3 of Zouk's cover if they wanna enter Phuture as well. (why am i telling you this, since we won't even be paying)
• I should be able to drive really soon.

Now that i've done you a favour, you have to watch this movie with me (on weekdays, cuz cheaper. Heh) with me. I insist!

"It takes some people years to fall in love at first sight… A LOT LIKE LOVE is a romantic comedy about destiny, connection and the frequently fuzzy line between chance friendships and happily ever after. A LOT LIKE LOVE traces the relationship of Oliver (ASHTON KUTCHER) and Emily (AMANDA PEET) who meet on a flight from Los Angeles to New York seven years ago – each of them declaring that they couldn't be more wrong for each other. Life keeps bringing them back together over the next seven years, but the timing never seems right. As they struggle with their different partners, careers and breakups, they turn from casual acquaintances into trusted friends who can say anything to one another. As they each search for love and a relationship that's not fated for disaster, it takes seven years for Oliver and Emily to figure out that maybe what they really have is something…a lot like love."

ooouuuuuuuuuuuuchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Its so not funny to have a piercing sensation in your stomach at 2.30am in the morning. Its so fucking pain.
It's definitely not gastric, cuz at first i thought it was, but i just wolfed down a packet of Instant Noodles, as much as i hate to eat after 9pm. But the pain still won't go away.

Blooooooody painful.

And because it feels like something sharp is piercing my stomach, i can't sleep. When i lie down, it hurts even more.

This is worse than having menstrual cramps..

Someone help me!

Even the painkillers don't work..

Acing the Dating Game

Well, many don't know that i actually enjoy reading Men's magazine, because alot of articles are written by women, and i share the exact same sentiments as the writers. Heh. And Men's Health is one of my favourites, not because of their weekly sex guide because every week, they write about the same thing like "How To Have Mind Blowing Sex Tonight", or " How To Give Your Lady The Best Orgasm Ever". Basically, everything about the sex techniques are just going in circles. Mindless. I actually like the nutrition as well as the dating articles. And of course, the trashy nonsense they always have at the last page. Like "40 things Men must not do"
Don't say the article below is a feministic one lor. Its from a men's magazine! Not O (that oprah winfrey magazine)

Below is an article adapted from Men's Health. May2005 issue. Dedicated to all the XY species.

" So you think you have everything, the job, the car, the cool apartment, but you're still spending your Saturdays in front of the box - dateless. how many times have you seen a gorgeous woman holding hands with a half-balding man with a paunch and you think what does he have that you don't? A fat pay cheque? More often than not. tubby probably understands woman the way that you don't"

1. Timing*
To be late is the ladiee's job. Think about it. If you had to walk on stilettos, wear matching lingerie, match shoes and bag, plus wear make up (and doing your stupid hair), you would probably be late too. So emphathise and be gracious if they are a little tardy-and of course, if she's hours late habitually, then you can make an issue out of it. Your patience will be a plus point. But don't start whining about us being late. That's just old. Thing is, if you know she'll show about half an hour late, turn up 25 mins late. Simple.

And so very true. Pls take note. And girls don't like waiting for guys. Especially if she's an Arian.

2. Dress Sense
Put some thought about what you are going to wear to suit the occasion. To be 'underdressed' or 'overdressed' would be disconcerting especially for first dates. Best if you could choose a place where you are familar with and mention the dress code to her. It would save a lot of embarrassment and you wouldn't want to have to wear the restaurants' jacket or tie that smell like mothballs.

3. Conversation **
Now this is the tricky part. You either have the gift of the gab or you just dont. There are guys who would rather jump off the plane with a parachute than have a meaninful conversation with their date.. The truth is, if you're not a conversationalist, and then don't push it. Instead let her do the talking- we sometimes love talking abour yours truly- but don't sit there dumb. Ask her questions, listen and look genuinely interested. (make sure your acting skills is terrific. We can tell if you're pretending to be interested or not!)Then offer little titbits of information about yourself, like "Oh, you like desserts...I make killer cheesecake" (HAHAHHA. This is really funny, unless you're Jamie Oliver) That one one line will tell her you're 1. listening and 2. creative. Plus for the next date, you can ask her over for cheesecake. (And it better be good).

Point to note: Don't lie. (And don't try to buy a cheesecake from Spinelli's and claimed that you baked that!)

4. Manners*
All this talk about gender equality make some guys feel unsure on whether its okay for a man to open doors and pull out the chairs for their dates. But take it from me, lad, we love to be pampered especially if we're on the first date. So go forth and pamper. Seems that issue on equality in sexes need only be reserved for work policies and NS.

Just open the door for me, and not open the door for yourself, and leave the door slamming on me. Bugger. i can pull the chair out myself.

5. Table Manners***
One guy who asked me to dinner just started shoveling the thinking its a manly thing to do. Well, if we wanted to see some makor shoveling, we would have paid to haev berakfsat with Ah Meng. Women would still like to see some delicacy in manners though we would forive things like elbows on the table.

And make sure you know how to use your fork and spoon. And don't make any cling-clangs while eating. Guys with good table manners impress me.

6. Grooming*
Make sure you look good and smell good

Do us a favour. Cut those long disgusting long fingernails and toe nails pls.


Beyond the first date. What Men Should Do.

1. Keep your conversations lively and entertaining.
Insert jokes and exchange humourous antidotes about work life or anything about your personal life to keep her laughing and make her feel at ease.

Don't be boring. And if you're dating an Arian, you need to put in more effort as they like to be entertained all the time because they get bored very easily.

2. Be wary of what she likes
make little mental notes and next time, make a conscious effort to order her favourite drink, food or anything that you remember she likes without asking.

If you know she's allergic to prawns, you jolly well order her prawn mee without prawns. And if she likes changing her drink to Coke Lite whenever she orders her BK meal, then you must remember also!!

3. Remember special dates
Like her birthday or anniversary and celebrateit in your own way that is meaningful to both of you.

And if you have a poor memory, then set a reminder on your cell phone organizer.

4. Surprise her

With small gifts,a call or drop by her workplace. Its always the little things that mean so much.

You can trust me on that. We don't need a big bouquet of flowers everyday, or diamonds to make us smile. A sweet text is good enough.

5. Be romantic

Singaporean guys are noted to lack this spontantiety. Charm your way into her heart with a candlelit dinner with home-cooked meals thaty ou have prepared. its not so much that the food should taste great, though if its thats a bonus. More so, it would impress her that you hsould go through all the hassle just for her.

Spot on! We don't need to eat at fancy restaurants that would burn a whole in your pocket. If your house is not available, then make a lunch-box dinner or what lah. And bring a groundsheet & insect repellant pls.

6. Be a friend to her

Women need to know that they could count on their better half to talk about their problems. remember when we talk, we don't seek to solve our problems bt only to have a listening ear.

If you know you can't give good advice, then better shut up. Just listen and agree.

Fairy Tale vs The Real World

I just finished watching Eye For A Guy 2

For those not in Singapore, its this reality show whereby there are 10 guys, and Denise Keller will pick only 1 of them to go to Europe together. Well, and i must say she found true love on a tv show. How cool is that? Check out http://ch5.mediacorptv.com/eyeforaguy2/

And so anyway, the two guys in the season finale were Howard & Wolfgang. Howard, a short, scrawny but quite cute guy. He reminds me of the guy from Precious Moments figurine. His eyes especially. He is so bloooody sweet to her. At first, i thought i would want a guy who's like Howard, but really, i don't know if i really want that. Like what Denise said, she feels like a princess in a fairy tale whenever she's with Howard. Note: Fairy-Tale. So it kinda means fiction/fantasy/imagination? So you see, be down to earth, and not live in your dreams and fantasy. Two years of being in a relationship has taught me that. But, that doesn't mean thrashing traditional romance. Flowers are important still okay! yes. FLOWERS!! Too bad i didn't receive a single stalk during that two years. Some guys just don't believe in flowers huh. And i'm not even talking about a bouquet thats worth $100 (inclusive of delivery). All i want is a 50cents, or issit $1 flower from the market. And that would make my day. Okay, enough of flowers. I need to find the right one, before i can even get flowers. So why count the chicken before they hatch.

And so, after going through 2 years of happiness/sadness/disappointments/anger/feeling of being loved/jealousy..the list is never ending okay, cuz yeah, the relationship was infinitely special to me and us, so there were plenty of roller coaster rides. Something that's pretty much worth remembering actually, since that was my first love. Which brings me to the topic of True Love. Frankly, I might just have some reservations and doubts when the next person tells me that he loves me. Yeah, cant be helped if i'm that apprehensive and stuff. Once bitten twice shy what! While no one could understand why i liked being with a jerk/a person who can't love and treat me well/someone who's so bloody heck care..hmm..well..maybe the only answer is true love. I guess you don't exactly need a valid reason to really love somone eh? But whatever, its all in the past, i've yet to find someone who's truely in love with me, since that someone actually had problems expressing his feelings/emotions. Weird peeps. But alas i hope i'll find one in time to come..

"True love doesn't have a happy ending, it simply doesn't end" Yes i agree with you hobs that your quote is better than mine. And i like the quote. Bah, and i was forced to end something reluctantly. s u c k s b i g t i m e.

"and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
I'll be wishing on the same one that you do
and every night I'm all alonein some burn out highway town
I'll be thinking of the day that I met you."
(taken from someone's blog)

Ataris- Hello & Goodbye.

The song recording of this song done at my house by someone made me smile when it was being played on my MD last time. But i think i've deleted the recording already. Now thats a special song to me.

No Blocking

Today i had a subway sandwich for lunch. I was rather tempted to get like the entire meal, but i remembered evan told me that the cookie is so damn fattening. So i got a niceee 6 foot sandwich.

And i've collected my 8th Subway stamps, which means, i get a freee sandiwich next time. How exciting hor?

I hate being blocked on MSN, especially if its by someone whom i was once very close to . You can don't msg, don't text, don't call, don't email. But just don't block. Cuz it sounds like you're severing all ties with me.

And, if you guys, girls rather happen to read this, don't block me no matter what. Even if we had a cat fight, a quarrel whatsoever. blocking someone is so cruel. No one blocks, but you can blog. Get it? hur hur.

Today my tuition kid got me really pissed, that i didn't talk to him for the last half an hour. I wish i could tell him to fuck off. I was so tired, and he had to be so stubborn and irritating. I wake up at 7am every morning, go to work, end at 5.30, rush to his house, skipped dinner just to give him tuition, because i don't want to just quit especially when he's taking his PSLE this year, and this is the crap i get. knn.

Quote

"LOVE is not just a FEELING, it is a DECISION. ;) Feelings come
and go, but if you've made the decision to love someone thru thick and thin,
then the feelings will follow. "

Hrm...i got this off somewhere. Sounds true to me, in my case, especially the part about feelings. Of course feelings come and go. Why do you think some old married couple can still celebrate their 87th Wedding Anniversary? Er...like they can't get enough of each other? I'm sure they do get abit sian of each other lah, there must be a driving force. It was probably a decision that they've made to stand by each other through thick and think.. So abstract huh. What do you think?

Harbouring a hatred for someone for a long time is not easy afterall.

Everyday on my way to work in the car, and on my way back to work on the train, i've never failed to do one think. Think & Soul-searching. I've been doing this for the past one week or two. Suddenly, it happened to hit me recently that actually, the hatred has vanished and disappeared into thin air. The hate entry for that someone was probably written in a fit of anger, angst and so much bitterness.

Today, whilst day-dreaming in the office, it suddenly dawned on me that, hey, actually we could still be friends, rather than hate him, and waste one friendship. But i really don't know if he'll think likewise. Oh well.. I find it so hard to hate someone. Hating someone for eternity seems like a remotely possible task to me. As i've said in the previous post, that i've never really hated anyone. And even if i do, the hatred doesn't last forever. Well, i guess to hate someone, who once meant the whole world to me was no easy feat.Whether its 1 month later, or 1 year later, i'm very certain i will still have a soft spot for him. Bah. What a damn softie i am. How could i turn my back against him overnight. I can understand if hatred gradually builds up, but really, that hatred which i've mentioned earlier, came to me as an eruption from a dormant vocalno. It was when i least expected, it was when he turned his back on me out of the blue. The shock was too sudden that i couldn't grapple with it. I couldn't think through clearly, and i thought hating would be the easy way out. I was wrong.I guess hating is really not in my league. Not only do i not feel like myself, but i feel that i've disappointed my parents. From young, i was taught to bury the hatchet, and not harbour any grudges. I was thought to forgive in school and in church. I don't know what the other party is thinking, but at least i know i've thought through things clearly. If he hates me, for i don't know what, then...too bad for me i guess.

On a lighter note, my parents are always in the way of my diet plans. They always pick the wrong thing to eat at the wrong time and wrong place. Today, dinner was at Simpang. Yuck. Oh how i hate the gee in the prata and lard, and what not. What the hell am i suppose to eat from there when everything is laden in oil and oil and more oil and carbo. The raw cucumber and onions from the satay? Urgh. And it didn't help how i went for a high-tea on Sunday. I just hope they don't eat anything too rich on Father's Day.

I missed jogging today, you know what, i'm gonna do some push-ups and crunches now. The punching bag and excercise ball are on their way! Woo.

"Wish i could be every little thing you wanted, all the time"
-Dishwalla

Not Again!

1 Pink earrings

1 Pink Shoes

High-Tea @ Holiday Inn

These little things make me get my life back on track.

Thanks Mom!

I won't mind eating grass, if shopping makes me feel happy

My Citibank Gold Card was swiped for the first time today. Daddy said i could pay him when the bill comes. I hope he won't press me for payment. Hoho.

1. One pink FCUK T-shirt that says "Kiss me under the mistle toe". (30% off) - $34.90
2. Green dangling earrings. Diamond Shape. Nicer than those Bangkok ones -$2.00
3. Blue beaded necklace (90 cents off after much haggling with the Hongkong woman)-$8.00
4. A long white beaded necklace- Courtesy of Evan. I love you cow! Mooooooo
5. Dinner @ Coffee Club Express. Baked Chicken Macaroni + Brownies + Mango Freeze. (FOC)- Courtesy of Belle. I love you too! Ding Dong Belle!
6. Almost bought a self-help book @ Borders. 20 bucks for a 100+ pages book. I should just stay there to read. Didnt buy cuz why waste money on things like that. Why pay money to ease sadness when you weren't the one who started all these.
7. Arrival of my Victoria Secrets swimsuit. HoooooHaaaa.

Next week's shopping list

1. New shoes. Still on the hunt!
2. New bag
3. Facial @ Amore
4. Button Earrings

Next Week's Agenda

1. Jogging 5km every alternate days. Must not be lazy if i want a nice body.
2. Finish up Pride & Prejudice
3. Perfect 'Angels' on the piano, figure out Heaven by Bryan Adams
4. Swimming
5. Follow Belle to collect her Tiffany's
6. Dinner @ Indochine
7. Re-read Jemima J. And feel good about myself
8. Shift furniture in my room, and remove all frames and other stuff, leave it in a dusty corner where no one can see
9. Ask dad if i can paint half the room Lilac

Next month's shopping list

1. New wallet
2. New handphone
3. New hair. Dye+Cut+Rebond
4. Ipod Mini

ps: evan, why do you always read my blog and not leave any traces behind. You better tag something. And thanks for dropping by today. I really appreciated it. THANK YOU for making me laugh, with all your funny and embarassing antics. Such as pointing to the not bad guy, in the grooming room, and telling me about your i-got-locked-in-the-fitting-room story. I hope you like the 80 cal soup i recommended. I pledge to drink that for every dinner. I'll meet up with you again really soon. And thanksssssss for making me the necklace! So sweeet of you mother cow. Thanks for being there for me, And know that i'll always be there for you too! :)

pps: Thank you to the rest. Nim, Nut, Moe, Hobs, Belle, Tony, Ryan, Des, Ahkow, Kadir?, Mun?, . I've been wallowing in self-pity for almost 1 week. It has been hellish still, but i'm learning to cope with everything. i appreciate everyone who's been really concerned and stuff. For sending me MP3s when i demand for one, for asking how i am, for lending me their ears in nim/nut/moe's case, their eyes. Thanks for being part of the Break-up Survival Kit

ppps: Thanks mom & dad for making me feel better. For logging onto MSN to make sure i'm okay and that my nick doesn't sound suicidal or anything. Ha. For bearing with my anti-socialness at home and for asking me out for coffee @ Starbucks on the pretext of getting me to talk. Thanks mom for buying me 2 tops, so i could at least open my mouth and give comments about it, and for telling me the different types of cosmetics that you bought. Thanks dad for offering to ask if i wanted new contact lenses, in case you didn't know i've been wearing the same old pair since J1. For making me feel better, by telling me i've done well for the exams when i got a string of Bs.

Just as I expected

Breaking up over MSN? Sounds so juvenile to me. Its probably the works of one's cowardice that he has to resort to something as pathetic as that."lets keep a distance", "we're not working out, i don't have that feeling anymore" Just that two solid lines to call for a breakup. Oh come on, we're 21, we're no longer 14. He's probably too ashamed to meet up and talk in person. He can't even bring himself to mention BREAKUP. He probably has no balls to be upfront, and put a proper closure to the mess he single-handedly created. All he does is run away, hoping that the problem will disappear, He thinks that "Don't know you lah" is the magic word to resolve all problems. If you can't face reality, or tackle a problem with guts, and openess, maybe you haven't grown up. A man, thats what i would like to call you, but i'm afraid not. Because i think a 'high school teenager' sounds more appropriate. Each and everytime, such ppl run away from problems, don't want to face it, they think the problem can resolve by itself. Little do they know that the problem accumulates, and inadvertently magnifies the entire situation. Don't you dare call it a drama, cuz the director of the drama is none other than yourself. Shame on you. I have no respect for ppl who keep running away from their problems, instead of facing them, and do something about it. I despise these ppl. Well, if running away does make you feel better, ha, i think you have a screwed up life and mentality.

While others prefer being in a relationship, there would always be a bunch who prefer the 'dating phase' (read: going to be in a rship, but not yet, or maybe never?). Well, there could only be one explaination for that. That is, these ppl, again, coward like the ppl mentioned above, suffers from commitophobia. Wonder if there's such a word. Fear of commitments, to put in formally. So you see, they "miss" the time where they could fall in love (as though they're in high school. Its not Sweet Valley anymore when you're 21. TWENTY-ONE. If you're still too young to read numbers), much more than being in love because, when you fall in love, you're not actually together, no strings attached, and if you've decided to chicken out (which he did a trillion times), you could always revert back to the 'we-are-just-friends phase'. And then all problems will miraculously be 'resolved' again. The End for the coward, and a deep wound for the victim. Life just ain't fair is it? As for being in love, strings are definitely attached, hence you get something called 'Emotional Attachment' Sounds familiar? Oh, thats just one of the other examples of ppl who can't face the real world. Problems problems problems. They know they have problems, yet they don't wanna speak up. They keeep all their problems to themselves because they think everyone, with 23 pairs of chromosomes is psychic, if not, they bottle up, their problems, and keep complaining incessantly about how sucky their life is. yada yada yada. If you ever know of a friend who's like that, i suggest you don't give a fuck about them. Ask them to blame it on themselves, because they deserve it.

Top 3 excuses of 'these ppl'
1. i'm not expressive
2. i'm not good with words
3. I'm mysterious (maybe becuz of my star sign), and there are many doors to be opened before you can get to me. Or rather, maybe you have many doors, but all of them are locked.
So once ppl try to open the first door, and realised that its lock, they probably won't wanna keep trying anymore. Not everyone can be a Mother Theresa, so patient and kind.

Vengence and hatred. So much in me. That i don't feel like myself sometimes. Maybe i've changed. People change. Guns & Roses said "Nothing lasts forever, and we know both hearts can change". What you get now is not Amazing Grace. I will look at you with hatred in my eyes. I've never hated anyone before. Congratulations on being the first. I pledge to treat others with kindness, even animals, but not to scums. And if ever i come across any guy who's like you, i make sure he suffers twice of what i've gone through. Double the pain, the misery, the tears, the heartache. Nothing less.

Jerk (just one of the few names that some have given you). I've invested too much on you. And i never want to see you ever again in my life. Block me for all i care, That is how childish. Grow up pls, should've known better that you're not the least mature enough to handle a relationship, nor your stupid "mysterious" self. Even if you unblock me, i wouldn't even waste my energy talking to you. Its not like you're that entertaining.

This is quite a showdown eh?

At least i have learned to face problems, and i'm still learning to let go. I try. Not like some others who don't even attempt to face the problem before their eyes. Interestingly, hating you makes moving on so much easier. I wish i hated you a long time ago. Damn it. I shouldn't even be too nice. DAMN DAMN IT.

Buddy #2 Convo

6/4/2005
3:12:16 PM
Ryan: you mean you haven't dumped him?

Ryan: Let me tell you a story.W hich is a true story, and it was one of my best friends.

Ryan:5 years ago she got together with a guy.

Ryan: first boyfriend the guy was very nice very sweet to her etc.
when courting her
Me: uh huh

Ryan: after she became his gf..he became a jerk

Me: so like me. And then?

Ryan: so everytime she would call me and cry on the phone every...2-3 months
without fail.
Ryan: And without fail..i told her to break up with him cause he wasn't worth it.
and seriously he was a jerk. Anyway, she NEVER listened to me..and still broke/patch back together with him.

Ryan: reasons cited : 1.oh he's my first boyfriend. 2. i believe i can change him. 3. We had so many wonderful memories together. 4. I just can't bear to let go.

Me: OMG

Ryan: dont know whether they sound familiar to you, but im not making this up

Ryan: AND....................3 years later...which was about 2 months ago.. she smsed me. "Wished i listened to you, we broke up and life is a hell lot better now."

Ryan: im not making this up again..it's the truth.
if she had spent that 5 years of her life...meeting different guys and knowing who/what kind of person suits her best..then she would probably find someone who would fit her the most. and not rely on a first chance affair. you know what i mean?

Ryan: It's like running a search in google.
you will have to refine your keywords until you get the results you want.

Ryan: NOT the other way around.

Me: thats true

Ryan: i mean, it sucks being lonely again u know , HAHAHA yes..it sucks being alone. But which is better? being alone or being with a jerk?

Me: erm...i dont know, no difference to me

Ryan: So moral of the story, ask your boyfriend to scoot, and stay single, know who / what you really want..and let them come to you. Don't try and change your boyfriend. a leopard never changes its spots.

Ryan: remember that.

Me: why was ur friends bf a jerk?

Ryan: always going out with his army friends instead of her, she didn't like it..kept smsing/calling him "i miss you etc etc etc"...he found it a nusiance.....continue going out with his friends....destructive cycle lah. it's so bloody obvious yet people don't see it.

Me: sounds so much like him

Ryan: grace, you're a really nice girl. and im not bullshitting you. Please don't bullshit yourself with your current boyfriend. You are still young..don't be like my other friend. that's all i can say.

Ryan: Sorry if i sound blunt. but that's how life works. you just have to let go. ok

Me: haiyah. Alright thanks budddy

I've known Ryan for yonks, ever since i was 14. He knows almost my entire life history. He's one of the rare guys that can think sensibly, and gives sound advice. He's been my love consultant since i don't know when. He's always there to clear all the confusion in me.

Letting Go

"One day an old man boarded a bus. As he was going up the steps, one of his shoes slipped off. The door closed and the bus moved off so he was unable to retrieve it. The old man calmly took off his other shoe and threw it out of the window. A young man on the bus saw what happened, and could not help going up to the old man and asking, "I noticed what you did, sir. Why did you throw out your other shoe?" The old man promptly replied, "So that whoever finds them will be able to use them . "

The old man in the story understood a fundamental philosophy for life - do not hold on to something simply for the sake of possessing it or because you do not wish ohers to have it. We lose things all the time. The loss may seem to us grievous and unjust initially, but loss only happens so that positive changes can occur in our lives. We should not always assume that losing something is bad, because if things do not shift, we'll never become better people or experience better things. That's not to say of course that we only lose "bad" things; it simply means that in order for us to mature emotionally and spiritually, and for us to contribute to the world, the interchange between loss and gain is necessary.

Like the old man in the story, we have to learn to let go. The world had decided that it was time for the old man to lose his shoe. Maybe this happened to add momentum to a series of events leading to a better pair of shoes for the old man. Maybe the search for another pair of shoes would lead the old man to a great benefactor. Maybe the world decided that someone else needed the shoes more. Whatever the reason, we can't avoid losing things. The old man understood this. One of his shoes had one out of his reach. The remaining shoe would not have been much help to him, but it would be a cherished gift to a homeless person desperately in need of protection from the ground. Hoarding possessions does nothing to make the world better f or us.

We all have to decide constantly if some things or people have run their course in our lives or would be better off with others. We then have to master the courage to give them away. "

My mommy emailed this to me. And i know i've posted this story a million times on the blog because sometimes i need to remind myself that in life, we lose things and that makes us sad. I guess i'm still not used to the idea of losing things yet, because i lack that sort of courage. But what choice do i have? In any case, i have no regrets losing anything because i've tried my best and gave it my best when these things were still around.

Somehow, i just feel that i'm consoling myself. I hope i don't have to look back at all these ever again.

The Bus Interchange That Stirs A Myriad Of Emotions

This has got to be Pasir Ris Bus Interchange. Many NSF could attest to that, while others might not agree, that is if army life was a complete blast to them. That place is where friendships between bunkmates are forged, relationship between girlfriends are brutally damaged, couples breaking up, couple becoming stronger. The list goes on..

Usually, i won't even be passing by there in the evening. But because of work, i had to rush down to Pasir Ris to give tution as soon as i knock off. I didn't expect so many army men to be there, especially its a Thursday. Baldies booking out, happy parents, very excited gfs waiting for their bfs etc etc. I remember being one of them there.

Then i go a little emotional whilst waiting for the bus. Looking at the baldies (what i used to call him) reminded me of so many things. It was like, 2003 was only 2 mths ago. 23 Jan 2003, the day of his enlistment. I remembered that was the day i was supposed to catch Avril's Concert in the evening at Suntec Convention Hall. For some reasons, i guess i really wanted to see him one last time, i acted non-chalant about not seeing him off, but i being that stupid weak softie, i still ended up going to Pasir Ris, still remember with a tennis racket in my hand. We didn't meet for long, cuz he was at the food court with his mom, then later, he called me to buy him a marker. So i went into a shop, got him a red marker. Since that was what they have. Only to have him yelled at me for buying a red marker when i met him, when he didnt' even specify what colour he wanted. I was a little peeved and upset. The goodbye was just so rubbish and unpleasant.

From there, i waited for Bus No. 12, cuz i was going to Neha's house first. Then i saw a glimpse of him and his mom walking towards the Tekong Bus. That was the first time i saw his mom from afar. Whatever it is, i just didn't want to take a second glance, cuz i was too annoyed. On the bus, i teared, as much as i tried to hold back the tears. I don't know if its because i was sad that he's leaving, or was it because of the red marker incident. Maybe a bit of both. Thoughts ran through my mind. Like if ever i get together with him (we weren't together then), will he treat me like this? Will he take me for granted and not appreciate things which i do for him. I really should've seen it coming.

I miss the good old times where we would walk ard at White Sands before he books in. Stocking up on Mentos Strong Mint(3 in a pack) was a weekly routine. I even rem the first strangest thing he gave me, this pellet, or dont know what lah. Its this black thing. And he said i have to keep it properly and not show anyone, cuz he sneaked that out. And that pellet thing is still resting on my shelf.

I look foward to every weekend, cuz thats when he used to book out. We would catch countless midnight movies all the time, probably to make up for the time lost. Every night after 930, i would anticipate that phonecall. Without fail, we would talk, and its no wonder how his phone bills escalated rocket high. Depressed as he may sound, i tried so hard to really be there for him, like assuring him that i'm still around no matter what. But i guess i wasn't good enough, cuz he told me, i can never understand what he's going through. Well, the same for my Freshmen Stint in NUS, he won't understand what i had to go through, not till 10th Aug. Those days were simply horrifying. I dreaded going to school, and i even cried because of school. Sigh. I'm glad those days were over for me.

We were best buddies then. Maybe something more than platonic buddies. Strange isn't it. I was actually happy the way we were as buddies, cuz i don't really expect us to be together. And, of course i'm very apprehensive about taking our friendship to the next level because i feel that i could only be his gf during his NS stint. I should've gone with my gut feeling. I was right about it. Look what has happened now. All the times i wish he could ORD faster, just so that we could spend more time together has gone just like that. All the activities i've planned, picnic, cooking, baking, holiday, bowling, movies everyday, just washed away like that. I always wish we got together in JC, but no, he had to be that indecisive tearjerker. I kinda gave up on him after my JC2 prelims, cuz he was one of the factors that contributed to my magnificent grade of D E O.

There was time constraint when he was in the army. Back when he was tekong, he had to stay in for remedial training, cuz he always fails the broadjump. After tekong everything was about 2359 and guard duty, and sweep, water parade at 9 and get response checks and confinements in camp because he missed the broadjump by 3-5cm for his IPPT, and failed to get Silver. There hardly was time for us to be together. Even if there was, he would be so lethargic, or like he needed time for himself and his friends. Its so hard to keep a relationship when a guy is in the army. How did i do that? And the day (ORD LOH!!) when he finally has time, he has a change in heart. The timing couldn't be any apt. Is this some sort of game that God has planned? Well, probably. Cuz for us to be together during his army stint was probably a miracle that God has created too. Who would've thought we could be together when he was still in the army. I guess everyone was taken by surprise.
Its a pity that we drifted probably because of time.


Despite all that, 2003 was still the best year in my life.

Buddy #1 Convo

6/6/2005
12:27:27 AM
I'm waiting in my cold cell....says: but seems like u love him too much to leave him at the moment

Buddy #1 doesn't know me that well, but he could pin point the problem and how i feel. And Buddy#1 is really funny.

Summer School @ UNSW

I wonder if anyone would be in Sydney this coming December.
Cuz i just applied for Summer School at UNSW this Dec.
http://sciclub.nus.edu.sg/summerschool/Sydney.ppt

I believe, i'm not being rash in my decision making. Whatever the case, i need to get our of here ASAP. Memories of everything here just suck. If only my parents could pay for me to study abroad after my As.

At least summer school is cheaper. Hopefully they'll pay, If not i pay myself. I didn't tell them about summer school. When the application is successful, then i'll tell them.

Hopefully i'll get shortlisted. And break free from all shitty miseries. I need a change in environment/lifestyle.
And i want to paint my room, buy new furniture, rearrange everything in the room, and get rid of every stupid little thing that makes me cry.

Nim!! You better spend more time with me when you're back. heh.

Bad case of a broken heart

Still nursing a bad case of a broken heart. I could only run away that much. The feeling is transient. No matter how much i escape, it kinda dawned on me that the problem is still lingering. I can't even make all the problems oblivious to me. I've tried immersing myself in books, music, movies, jogging, work and everything else, yet the problem kept surfacing. Escapism only proved to be a futile solution.

They always say, at the end of the tunnel, i'll see the light. How long must i wait to see the light? 2 yrs? 5 yrs?

Why should this happen to me? Its not like i've done anything to deserve all these heartache, so much more than i've bargained for. I don't really care now whether there's someone out there better for me. Because i don't want that someone. Speaking from a girl's point of view, a guy could go head over heels for a girl, treat the girl like a princess, pamper her like his car and what not..yet, the girl just can'tseem to have any special chemistry with him, or even any sort of attraction. Weird isn't it. We rather go for the sort of guys that would crush us, make us cry and give us the worst presents ever. Thats why i alway say, nice guys finish last. Sometimes, winning a girl's heart isn't all about being Mr Nice. I guess you need this really special connection. I don't know what this factor is called though.

A Different Saturday

Finally a Saturday thats different from the usual. Don't have to know why.

So anyway, today i headed to Ikea in the evening, cuz i needed to look for a book shelf, a computer table, and a couch.

Then after that, i went to town and bought myself a nice beaded necklace from Far East Plaza. Yay. I'm happy.

After town, I went to Taboo. The safest place you could ever club, because its a gay club. Haha. Watching men licking each other, tonguing, and what not. Live Porn.

Walked down to Eski Bar. I think they've featured in on some magazine. You could tell from its name, a bar which is -10 degree Celcius. Yes that cold. They provide sweaters there and beanies i think. Damnnn cold can. They don't serve popsicles though. Heh. And their alcohol isn't frozen.

Then went back in to Taboo again. So many fucking gays. I wish they were straight, cuz some of them aren't that bad looking. Bah.

Took a cab back home, and here i am, waiting for my hair to dry. I don't believe in hair-dryer
And i better stop here cuz im gonna type nonsense already.

I drank a teeny weeeny bit. But whats the point of getting high in a gay bar. And i didn't go there with gays.

And I'm damnnnn tired now. I want to sleeeeeeeeeeeep.

I make sure i get extremely tired before i go to bed everynight. So i won't have to be a pathetic loser, crying myself to sleep. The moment i hit the sack, my eyes close immediately. thats how tired i must get.

Goodnight one and all.

Food Spree

Feeling a little depressed today, i asked my dad if we could go on a food spree. He agreed. I love my dad. He doesn't really say 'No' to me. And don't ever think that i'm a pampered brat. My dad's just too nice. Cuz when i was young, whenever i want a toy that some other kid has and i don't, he'll definitely buy them for me. The only thing he wouldn't buy me was rollerblades, cuz they were too dangerous according to him. I only got my blades when i was in sec2. Heh. He bought me the doll where the hair turns into some rainbow colour when u comb it, hungry hippo, congo congo (this silly monkey game that works on a pulley system), tonnes of pollypocket, nintendo games, monopoly, those cupcake dolls, and alot more other stuff. He's the nicest XY specie out there.

I digressed.

So for dinner today, we drove to Upper Thomson Road to have prata. They have the best prata there. I would like to drive all of you there one day, but apparently, the parking lots are all parallel parking which is along an uncovered drain. So how leh? Cuz i really don't know how to park this kind, the tyre might just end up in the drain, unless i'm accompanied by a seasoned driver. Not Neha definitely. (sorry neha, but your parking sucks) I think i saw one of his friends, Adrian at the prata shop. Couldn't exactly recognised him, he might have put on some weight in Taiwan. not too sure if it was him also, so i didn't dare to say hi, what if turns out to be a wrong person. So paiseh. Heck lah, its them that i've earned myself a reputation for being dao. So it shouldn't be that surprising if i decided not to say hi to them.

So i gorged myself silly. What a bad idea to counter depression i tell you. 1 cheese prata, 1 kosong, mee goreng, teh peng. BURP. They have really goood plain pratas there. damn small though, like the size of my palm. (not flippers) Whatever lah, you guys have to try them out.

After that, decided to go Geylang for tau huey. I think its at lorong 7. Yong He Dou Hua. It is damnnnn goood. I wish i could eat that for every single meal when i'm dieting. So healthy. One of the best beancurd i've eaten. They sell XLBs there too, but not that good. And i had one you tiao. Talk about flour&oil galore. I sure had my fair share of that today. The you tiaos are BIG. And i saw this man eating you tiao, so unglam. He looked like he was giving a bj or something. He should just break them into two and munch on them. Stupid moron. Sorry for my risque imagination, but i was at geylang then what! All i see is hotels and dirty old men and ugly women. Then there were some lau ti ko standing on the overhead bridge looking for those prostitutes, oh i meant sex workers akin to a hawk looking for a prey. Desperados.

Then Geylang just reminded me of us again. I saw the street where we walked on our first valentine's day together. We were supposed to eat there, but we ended up eating at that Hongkong restaurant at Suntec, and Nim saw me. She was with Greg. HAHA. Jokes.

So much food today, i think i should be anorexic for tmr. Really. No joke. What i ate is like 2.5 days intake of food. :(

Wounded By One

I'm currently listening to this CD which i burnt from Neha a few years back. It consists of some songs like:

• Lenny Kravitz- It ain't over till its over
• Collective Soul- The world i know
• Nickelback- This is how you remind me
• 3 Doors Down- Be like that
• Fuel- Bad day
• Sneaker Pimps- six underground
• Tonic- You wanted more
• Jane Ardent- Insensitive
• Toad & The Wet Sprocket- All I want
• Creed- My Sacrifice
• Nine Days- Sometimes
• Incubus- Drive
• Radiohead-High & Dry
• Better than Ezra- Good

Okay, out of point to list all the tracks. The point is, this CD is a really mellow.

I'm feeling pretty much awful today because of what had happened yesterday. Crying in front of the monitor isn't exactly something i would call glam. Whatever the case, I'm emotionally wounded. =(

Its so hard to come to terms that I'm actually alone out here in a damn country called Singapore. Its things like, how your phone doesn't even beep at all for the entire read (read: no one's actualy texting you). Two consecutive days sometimes. Or you don't receive any phonecalls, except wrong number and phone calls from your parents. Its probably Hob's once-in-a-while nonsense text that keeps me going. I'm awfully miserable. Bah.

The one thing i've learnt is not to invest so much in a relationship. Either that, don't invest more than the guy. It's really painful. I gave up my feministic ideas, my pride, my savings, my time, part of my diginity, my grades, my work all for one person. Only to know that he doesn't feel it. During the entire course of the relationship, i would plan my time according to his schedule. If i know he's gonna have a medical appointment, i choose to keep myself free, and cancel my stupid tuition. I chose not to work on weekends back then during Starbucks days, cuz weekends are for us. Just us. And i choose to eat out with him on days when he didn't have to go back for water parade.

Like what Mr Greg said, he can't seem to forget things he should forget. Neither could i. Everything about him is stored so stably in the brain cells. I wish these brain cells could lyse. From his habits, to his next line, his scent, his features, the feeling of standing next to him, his preferences, the way he eats. Everything right from Day 1 17July2002 when we first met and the perfect 3rdApril2003. Diaries are so lethal, they remind you of so many things you wish you'd rather not remember or know. I can't bear to read all my diaries now because things have changed. How long does it take for one to forget all these? Will these memories last forever? He once told me, i should cherish the nice memories, but i shouldn't cling onto them forever, but you know what, the thought of the nice or even perfect memories make me sad still. I might consider throwing away all my diaries.

How could anyone be that heartless. Like how he could never really be touched or glad or appreciate the fact that i've gone through, not an extra mile, but 100000 miles all for him. Are men made to be heartless because of their ego? Its like they never wanna be seen as sentimental nor would they want to show their affection openly. Maybe its just him. Why would a guy prefer to be alone, rather than to have someone standing by him all the time? I mean, at the end of the day, everyone still needs to turn to someone. Family, if not, a special friends. But its not he's that close to his parents, neither does he have a certain best friend. Why doesn't he want a special someone standing just right in front of his eyes?

Because of all these emotional turmoil, i'm keeping so much to myself that my parents tell me that i don't seem all that happy or i talk less than usual. Sometimes i'm really tired of acting that like i'm a happy-go-lucky person in front of them. I''m not the sort that would share a personal problem with them, because i never want them to see me cry. They know me as a brave and strong person, sadly, thats nothing but a facade, and thats when i need that special someone to turn to. But he's never around. And he never will want to be around..

i just find it so hard to get by a day without him. Don't you dare tell me i just have to get used to it. Everything seems to remind me of him. Every gawd damn thing. My xmas wish is to lose my memory. Must i lose my existence in order for him to actually realise that i'm gone from his life? I don't know, but at least i've learnt to cherish whatever things i have before i lose them. Life is that precarious. Sometimes i wish he would try harder, rather than resign to his fate. Thats why ppl fight for their own happiness right? What if he suddenly realises that, but its too late?

So many tears i've cried
So much pain inside
Baby it ain't over till its over
So many gives we tried
To keep our love alive
Baby it ain't over till its over

ps: Don't leave me any comments if you know i'm not gonna like them.

Grades

Wah lau eh.
Another string of Bs again. KNN.
And i got the exact same grade as last sem. The fucking CAP is stagnant! Its not moving up!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!

I've got 2 more sems to get 3.5! And then i'll be an honours student

Fucking NUS just offered direct-honours course for life sci. What a bitch. Good for all those stupid guys (our batch), going in this coming sem, cuz you guys dont have to work your ass off for CAP 3.5 to do honours.

Wah, B+ for Bahasa. Good? Hobs, thanks for telling me i can speak better malay than you, cuz i really believe i can. HAHA. Apa kabar???????

And 2 unexpected B-. Phew. I thought i was gonna ta bao (repeat the module) Experimental Biochem ( i got like 37% and 42% for both the test that constitutes 30% each). Miracle or not? I think my Mor A project was well done thats why. Who ever wants to know what my Pseudomonas MorA project was all about, feel free to let me know. Heh.

And a B- for Molecular bio. I bloody got 35% for the stupid test that constitutes 40% of my grade can. Wah lauuu. What a feat. At least i don't see any Cs. GRRRRR

Next sem! CAP3.8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROAR!!!!!!!!

Okay, i'm not that happy about the grades. Then again, i deserve it. Cuz i didn't study much this sem, lack focus, couldn't concentrate, channelled my energy into wrong things. wtf lah.

Strings of Bs