Always On Your Side - Sheryl Crow & Sting

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
Every now and then you come to mind
'Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But my demons and my angels reappeared
Leavin' only traces of the man you thought I'd be
Too afraid to hear the words I'd always feared
Leavin' you with only questions all these years

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear,
Try to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
When this isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wandering through this life

When you know that I was always on your side

Sometimes when you don't have answers to questions, time is the only answer. This period has given me some sort of affirmation that i'm tired of being in this sticky situation. It has also proven to be that he probably didn't love me as much; or so he claimed. It also made me realised that his inclinations to look for another job again, kinda disappointed me, making whatever future plans we had (if it's still inforced) very bleak. I am afterall a very practical person.

I guess 2 months grace was the ultimatum. It is certainly long enough to get things straight. I can't be waiting my whole life. And if he didn't have the time or energy to settle this issue, i don't see why i should stick around further. I think it spells it out very clearly, that i probably am not important enough for him to channel some energy into this matter to get it over and done with.

To a certain extent, i am disappointed with myself and with him. Everything that we shared, happiness at its pinnacle, all came crumbling down bit by bit. Now, as I blog, in all honesty, i feel so distant from him, to a point where i feel that even F understands me better, or at least provided a better listening ear. Even as we talk on the phone every night, i could still feel this invisible barrier wedged between us. The conversation seemed like it was going through a valve, something which i didn't like. For that matter, it was me listening him out, or when i talk, he'll be half asleep. Really, it is absolutely frustrating. There were days, i was on the verge of snapping at him; but then again, what do i gain from it? he's merely a friend, why do i even care?

I know i've said this many times, how i'm walking away from it already. I am honouring my promise this very day for i've set the ultimatum. Nothing came out of it, so i'm not gonna give two shit.

It's O-V-E-R!


Get over him Grace!

Random pictures taken using my canon ixus A70

hell hath no fury like a woman scorn

talking to him puts me in 2 different extreme moods

a) blissful, estatic, over the moon, loved
b) irritated, annoyed disappointed, upset

I know, this sounds exactly like a roller coaster. Ups and downs. I wish i could do away with that, get some kinda stability or at least peace. But really, i don't know why i'm so affected by him. Strangely, the previous entry seems like the opposite of today's.

I am feeling irritated.

Not because i'm jealous or anything. And it's not that i'm petty. All i needed, was someone to hear me out about my day, alas, that person was riveted to the fucking tv. And he still had the nerve to hang up on me because it's the second last episode. You heard me right "SECOND LAST". Who cares! It's only a cheena pok TV 8 drama series!

Somehow, talking to F the cat seems like a better way out. I have someone to share my grouses and whinings, someone to at least give me that friendship sorta encouragment. And him? What do i get? I had to be the listening ear. Call me only when he needs me.
I'm starting to get bad vibes about our future relationship, if any. I also got my problem lor. And you can't expect me to whine to him as he whines to me. Someone has to listen what!

I just want to be happy again. And not feeling irritated or get mad at a person. Brings out the devil and bitch in me. Yugs. And honestly, "hell hath no fury like a woman scorn" You don't know what's in stored for you if you incur my wrath. Cold wars, saracasm, practically everything but violence. I'm a civilised person! Verbal abuse only. *smirk*

The special connection we have is going down the drain. I can sense it. I always trust my women's instinct.

i hate him and i love him. what a paradox.

conundrums of life, which i've yet to fathom.

who cares!!!

1001 Things

There are 1001 things i would really like to do right now.

For starters, i need a freaking holiday trip! ANYWHERE (except Sentosa/Batam/JB). ARGH. Can you believe it, i havent taken a long long long holiday ever since i graduated, and started work. What a life!!

I haven't done anything fun for the longest time! Whatever happened to tennis and rock climbing and windsurfing. KNS. I dont even have the time for all that. All i do is read stupid fund fact sheets and biz news and books and blog. How bloody exciting.

Oh fuck, im getting dizzy, wonder if it's the tremor, or am i hallucinating, or am i just tired.
Stupid dark circles around my eyes ain't getting any better. So many black heads on my nose! Thank god for facial appointment tmr.

I hope to join a gym membership with felix next month. Always good to have a gym buddy, especially when he's a health freako. Who runs 10km to make up for a BK meal he ate for lunch. Siao. That way, i'll get a nice kickass toned body. *sheepish grin*

I want to study again! But the thought of me, paying 1000 bucks to torture myself for a CFA certification makes me wanna bang my head against the wall.

***

SIGH.
The whole saga with me and Mr 'i-like-you-but-i-don't-want-to-break-up-with-my-gf' for a moment i thought was over, until yesterday. Itchy fingers me went to call him, then suddenly our so called "call it quits" pact disappeared. Righto. And i thought things were in control then.
Bloody hell.
Sometimes its damn bloody annoying to have him sticking ard. Not saying that it hampers me from moving on or finding greener pastures, so to speak. I dont need to move on from him, afterall everything was short lived, i think in some way i can be 潇洒. (learnt this new word) I think overtime, he'll soon be demoted from' more than friends' status to colleague, to acquaintence.
Honestly, yesterday he told me how we both connect so well, and i quote him we "fit like a glove". What an analogy. But he's still with the gf!!! Justtttt because he wants to be Mr Nice guy.What glove! More like the gloves durian sellers wear. Then u get stupid durian thorns poking through the bloody gloves!

Selfish piece of shit.


I'm really feeling very giddy now. I really think it's the tremor.

Now who is the real banker?

Life at branch is so much different as compared to being a trainee, doing dumbass tagging at ATM lobbies. I swear the latter was a chore, a pain in the bloody ass.

I can safely say that being in a branch gave me some sense of belonging. At least i know i have my very own laptop, table (though shared), access to printers, forms and whats not. The trade off is that i'm under constant supervision.

So to date, i've closed 70k worth of investments. Hmm..pretty good for a start. I deserve a pat on the back. I hope to do as much as possible.

Lately, my night routine has also changed. Phone conversation with Gerald ala Late nights with the Talk show has been drastically reduced. Maybe its because we're both tired, or the fact that we both have to report to our respective branch at 930! Gone were the training days where we could snooze in class, or report to work at 1130am. Which in a way is good, because for the past 2 months, i realised the late night a) gave me terrible complexion b) screwed up my metabolism, hence the weight gain c) gave me dark eye rings d) made waking up in the morning a bitch.
So, to replace all that, books and Desperate Housewives came into place. I now immerse myself with that scandalous drama, and if i have the energy, i'll read. Usually biz times. Righto.

It did feel strange initially not having him calling me daily. Or sometimes 3-4 times a day especially when we're both bumming ard at home on weekends. Can't really describe the feeling. I did feel like something's amiss, but i guess i gotta get used to it. We hadn't called each other for 3 days or so (i was mad at him for not calling back when he said he would, hence, i didnt take the initiative to call him). But today, when he called me in the morning and in the evening, things fell back into place again, right where they belonged. Very bizzare.
Even our email conversation throughout the day didn't feel as right as the 2 phone calls in the day.

Hmm............aiyah fuck. Shan't dwell on it. Called it quits means quits. Why botherrrrrrrrrr

First things first!

Get at least 2k worth of comm this month!!!!!!!!!

note to self: you already called it quits!!! Stand firm to your bloody decision!