Wounded By One

I'm currently listening to this CD which i burnt from Neha a few years back. It consists of some songs like:

• Lenny Kravitz- It ain't over till its over
• Collective Soul- The world i know
• Nickelback- This is how you remind me
• 3 Doors Down- Be like that
• Fuel- Bad day
• Sneaker Pimps- six underground
• Tonic- You wanted more
• Jane Ardent- Insensitive
• Toad & The Wet Sprocket- All I want
• Creed- My Sacrifice
• Nine Days- Sometimes
• Incubus- Drive
• Radiohead-High & Dry
• Better than Ezra- Good

Okay, out of point to list all the tracks. The point is, this CD is a really mellow.

I'm feeling pretty much awful today because of what had happened yesterday. Crying in front of the monitor isn't exactly something i would call glam. Whatever the case, I'm emotionally wounded. =(

Its so hard to come to terms that I'm actually alone out here in a damn country called Singapore. Its things like, how your phone doesn't even beep at all for the entire read (read: no one's actualy texting you). Two consecutive days sometimes. Or you don't receive any phonecalls, except wrong number and phone calls from your parents. Its probably Hob's once-in-a-while nonsense text that keeps me going. I'm awfully miserable. Bah.

The one thing i've learnt is not to invest so much in a relationship. Either that, don't invest more than the guy. It's really painful. I gave up my feministic ideas, my pride, my savings, my time, part of my diginity, my grades, my work all for one person. Only to know that he doesn't feel it. During the entire course of the relationship, i would plan my time according to his schedule. If i know he's gonna have a medical appointment, i choose to keep myself free, and cancel my stupid tuition. I chose not to work on weekends back then during Starbucks days, cuz weekends are for us. Just us. And i choose to eat out with him on days when he didn't have to go back for water parade.

Like what Mr Greg said, he can't seem to forget things he should forget. Neither could i. Everything about him is stored so stably in the brain cells. I wish these brain cells could lyse. From his habits, to his next line, his scent, his features, the feeling of standing next to him, his preferences, the way he eats. Everything right from Day 1 17July2002 when we first met and the perfect 3rdApril2003. Diaries are so lethal, they remind you of so many things you wish you'd rather not remember or know. I can't bear to read all my diaries now because things have changed. How long does it take for one to forget all these? Will these memories last forever? He once told me, i should cherish the nice memories, but i shouldn't cling onto them forever, but you know what, the thought of the nice or even perfect memories make me sad still. I might consider throwing away all my diaries.

How could anyone be that heartless. Like how he could never really be touched or glad or appreciate the fact that i've gone through, not an extra mile, but 100000 miles all for him. Are men made to be heartless because of their ego? Its like they never wanna be seen as sentimental nor would they want to show their affection openly. Maybe its just him. Why would a guy prefer to be alone, rather than to have someone standing by him all the time? I mean, at the end of the day, everyone still needs to turn to someone. Family, if not, a special friends. But its not he's that close to his parents, neither does he have a certain best friend. Why doesn't he want a special someone standing just right in front of his eyes?

Because of all these emotional turmoil, i'm keeping so much to myself that my parents tell me that i don't seem all that happy or i talk less than usual. Sometimes i'm really tired of acting that like i'm a happy-go-lucky person in front of them. I''m not the sort that would share a personal problem with them, because i never want them to see me cry. They know me as a brave and strong person, sadly, thats nothing but a facade, and thats when i need that special someone to turn to. But he's never around. And he never will want to be around..

i just find it so hard to get by a day without him. Don't you dare tell me i just have to get used to it. Everything seems to remind me of him. Every gawd damn thing. My xmas wish is to lose my memory. Must i lose my existence in order for him to actually realise that i'm gone from his life? I don't know, but at least i've learnt to cherish whatever things i have before i lose them. Life is that precarious. Sometimes i wish he would try harder, rather than resign to his fate. Thats why ppl fight for their own happiness right? What if he suddenly realises that, but its too late?

So many tears i've cried
So much pain inside
Baby it ain't over till its over
So many gives we tried
To keep our love alive
Baby it ain't over till its over

ps: Don't leave me any comments if you know i'm not gonna like them.