directionless

At times, i really wished i knew what i want in life.
Being 25 make me feel like a grown up. Think financial commitments, paying income tax etc etc.. However, even at this point in my life i'm not sure where my future lies. I can't see myself in 20 years time. Not even 5. sigh.

Am i going through quarter-life crisis?

Why is it that i don't know what i want? Or am i too afraid of pursuing dreams? Are dreams even made to be realised? How do you even answer that?

Don't you ever dream of being a millionaire, well i mean who doesn't? but how feasible is that? The minority of us probably don't chase after dreams since they're known to be unrealistic or too far fetched. I'm such a coward. Or am i afraid of failure?

Sometimes i wish i could be like Mike. Drop every thing, learn a foreign language and go to a foreign land just for the fun of it. He's pursuing a dream or at least something he likes. Being a Singaporean made me an overly conservative person who thinks that if i go by the route less it'll make me a social deviant. By that it means i should live up to society expectation; go to school, get an education, get a job, settle down and start a family. Why can't i just work part time doing waitressing at a bistro, earn enough money just to travel and see the world, meet people and be happy.

I hate it when most people measure success by the digits in your pay cheque, or even the type of car you drive. We can't bring all that to heaven (or hell for some) can we?
And when you die, no one will really remembers how hard you've slogged your whole life just to pay off mortgage loans or car instalments. They'll probably remember you as a friend who was always there them.

So once over dinner in Sydney, i was telling mike how i wish i could just i could travel around the world. He told me it's a choice. i could just go afterall,i don't have mortgage loans to pay (YET!), nor kids.
Hm.. he has a point, but is it realistic? No wait!If this is a dream, then it's not even supposed to be realistic.

Lilies & Eye

photocredit: https://www.beyondblossoms.com/images/EasterLilies_zoom%20copy.jpg


photocredit: http://www.microscopy-uk.org.uk/mag/indexmag.html?http://www.microscopy-uk.org.uk/mag/artfeb08/bj-lilies.html

If there's any other reasons i could think of, that caused my eyes to itch; a feeling akin to cooties in head (not that i've ever experienced that!) in the middle of the night while i'm asleep,definitely had to be the pollen grains of the white lilies beside my bed.

And how in the world did the pollen grains end up irritating my eyes when i'm asleep? It must've been for that very brief moment i woke up middle of the night to pee.

After that, I was woken up by an awfully immense itch, which disrupted my sleep for the rest of the night. I was rubbing my eyes so badly, i was tearing like there was no tomorrow. And the aftermath of eyeballs destruction? A scratched cornea, or so i would think. My prognosis could be wrong. For 15 hours in the day, i constantly felt as though a dust particle was embedded in my eye, despite the relentless blinking. This sensation however was ironically negated the moment i put on my contact lenses. My prognosis was further confirmed by my best friend, Google, that it could be due to "tiny clogged glands".
Then again, Google could also be wrong.


Hence i concluded that the pollen grains might have caused an allergic reaction which led to extreme violent rubbing of eyes. My bad! ( i could now feel the vitreous body of my right eye slightly compressed; or am i just being a paranoid android?) which inadvertently led to the clogged glands.
To make matters worse, those pollen grains are creating a huge mess on my bed side table. A gust of wind, and you get orange particles scattered all over. That is what you get for a long dangling filament -effective wind pollination that comes together with an allergic reaction.

I've learnt that flowers are meant for shelves and study tables. Not bed side tables no matter how much i like them. Don't get me wrong, i still love lilies nonetheless. But probably not as much after my horrific sleepless eye-rubbing night.

And to end things off on a lighter note, my childhood ambition was to be a botanist. I remembered everyone laughed when i told them that. Oh well, look where i am now, seems like they really got the last laugh.