stirred and shakened

Two days back, i was entrenched in an emotional turmoil again. Yes, this is the umpteenth time.
But forgive me, while i pour my woes and whines once again.

The funny thing about me is i always like to regret whatever i do. I knew i should've stopped calling him, or even texting him. Yes, I didn't call or text him for the past 2 months. But i emailed him 2 days ago. Yeah, like WTF right. Thing is, I've been hearing so much about how he's leaving the company from fellow colleagues. Again, curiosity kills the cat as some might say, I had this raging desire to contact him again to ask about his resignation and plans for the future.

The email seemed normal, and raw. What i meant by raw is that the closeness between us is not there, everything seems so formal and prim. Sigh. I admit i do miss him at times, and one of those times was 2 days ago. It didn't stop at email. We met for drinks after training. I knew i was in for some serious shit once i meet him. The aftermath is what I'm feeling just about now.

The meeting like the email with him was nothing like having a huge concrete block wedged between us. I feel like there's no way i could connect with him, talk to him, or even openly express how i feel about myself. I feel like there are so many masks i have to wear. Like trying to act nonchalant, or just being that nothing-more-that-friends, just a colleague person with him. I can't even confidently say that we'll remain as good buddies in the future. I simply can't tell him exactly how i feel, which is quite the opposite of what i was when i was with him last time. The stark contrast scares me. It's like a 180 revolutionary change in us, in him and in me.

This is definitely beyond my expectations really. The least i thought could've happen between us is that we just remain as good friends where we can talk cock and bitch about work. However, with him, it was like me playing Aunt Agony, hearing him talk about his work woes all the time. Of course i have my fair share of misery, him being the biggest, followed by work; but there simply was no way i could open my mouth to let him. Maybe it's one of those self defense instinct instilled in us human, to be wary of people who've hurt us.

He's a very observant person who can tell emotions by looking at one's eye. So many times i adverted my gaze when he tried to stare at me in my eyes. I didn't want him to know my emotions. Alas, he knew that i was unhappy. How do you even tell if someone is unhappy man? The facial expressions, body language or tone of voice? I never knew how he did that, at least i knew i tried not to look him in the eyes.

It's interesting to know how guys never really wanna talk about a problem that exists and hasn't been solved. Especially for someone like him, who talked so much about honesty, emotions blah blah. I guess that's one reason why i was unhappy. He never did ask about how i was doing or apologised for all that i went through. Sometimes it's not the things that he did, but what he didn't do. I got affirmation for the second time already. He's definitely no good for me, but why do i still want him in my life, or expect him to come back into my life. Maybe i'm too caught up with past memories. Never thought i would feel this way even at this juncture.

If only he knew exactly how i feel.

I HATE ME