Tangled

It's such a pity though, to have things left off that way.
It's not easy finding someone whom you connect with at every level, albeit the 5 years age gap. Nonetheless, i would think it's quite a rare catch to have someone whom you could see a future with, connect with, and to have feelings nurtured over time.

Sigh.

10 days since we last talked, only until recently he called. Truth be told, it was pretty awkward. I'd like to adhere to the "Out of sight, out of mind" policy. But hearing his voice, or bumping into him at the training last week, kinda made me a little tangled.

So today,i actually decided to be polite and give him a call. He was down with a bout of flu and fever. Then it kinda dawned on me that, i still cared for him,but i'm just holding back, acting non chalant about it. Maybe this is a self defensive mechanism. Knowing that we probably won't end up together, i'd rather not jeopardise my tangled heart and put it into something which i know won't give me much of a thing called happiness.

And as we were talking, a raw nerve was being struck when he mentioned celebrating the first gf's bday. Gees. This is really strange. And i feel that he's starting to give me this vibe that he doesn't really know what he wants in life. I dont think he knows seriously. He's a scatterbrain , a utopia dreamer, too much of an optimist sometimes, which made me jittery. For a down to earth person like me, dreams simply don't exist unless you fight for it. Dreams won't come true if you keep dreaming and hoping.

He didn't fight for me. All he had was hope. Hoping that the situation would change, hoping that he would've had the chance to be with me. This was enough to tear me apart, and come to a decision for us to not be romantically involved.

Times like these, i wish things would be more clear cut, i wouldn't be tangled up in him and myself.

When we were about to hang up, a simple "thank you for calling" from him made me realise that we've gone back to being friends.

I really didn't want things to turn out that way. Whatever happen to us going through all these together. Everything he said just seemed politcally correct; now as i read or recall everything he used to tell me, they don't seem to make any rational sense.