emotionally tangled

I know i don't exactly have a huge base of blog fans, i'm still gonna continue blogging for recording purposes so i can read them whenever i'm feeling confused or if i need to do some sort of soul searching, or even to seek some comfort and empathy in here. Who am i kidding?

Yesterday's dnd ended with a huge bang. in my heart of course. didn't expect the night to end with me feeling being in a whirpool.

The plan of the night was, ignore, avoid if possible, hang out with others, smile, walk away. As simple as that.

Once, i caught him smoking outside, i avoided. Second time, i saw him with some other ppl, gave eye contact, smiled, walked away. Third, took a photo with a friend, friend asked him to come into the picture, made small talk with friend and him, walked away. Fourth, i went to the toilet with a friend, came back, he saw me, and walked towards me and spoke. His first line "whey, why you never call me". Of course i feigned stupid, "call?, but you were with other ppl leh" Obviously, he meant calling using the phone.

What a first liner, which obviously took me by surprise, I can't remember what i said, must've sounded like the most ridiculous answer. We made small and generic talks like "how are you, hows ur sales, oh i heard blah blah blah...oh the annuity blah blah blah". You get the drift. Nothing too indepth and everything brainless, and not thought/emotional provoking at all. For a moment, i wanted to ask, "hows your girlfriend", but i thought since the night just started, i should shut my gap, for fear that the entire night would be ruined by my big mouth, and me feeling like crap.

I wondered why he didn't call me out, when clearly almost the entire batch was outside taking pictures, only A had the courtesy to call me. Pfft

I don't know why i had this inclination to take a photo with him, even though everything is done and over. But we took one in the end. With us having arms around each other, it was perfect, then for a moment, it felt like things have fallen back into place again like before.

Sometimes i get confused with my emotions because of this thing called dillusion. At that point, i realised how i missed him, the phone conversations, the stupid things we did and talked about, and of course, battling of our wits against each other. But that was all in the past. I clearly remembered the good things about him, and almost forgot that he was a two-timer. :(

I went home with a heavy heart, old memories kept replaying in my head over and over. It was another heart vs mind issue again. I was supposed to walk away from him, avoid him, severe contacts with him. Then when i was almost reaching home, i had this burning inclination to drop him an sms. Yah, me and my itchy fingers sometimes. And he replied to my sms. Until i dozed off, and didn't bother to reply.

I read the sms this morning again, felt like he was trying to swerve the topic to something else, when clearly the idea was sent out in a specific direction. He could be drunk, or acting blur. I would think its the latter.

I hate it how he keeps shuttling in and out of my life. It gets me emotionally messed up. Not knowing what to do. It feels like i've failed disastrously in my plan to totally ignore, forget about him and move on.

Easy to hate, difficult to forget.

I wish things were simpler.

boohoo. i need a hug!