My Own Worst Enemy

Sometimes, i am my own worst enemy.
I hate myself for quite a bit of things. Alot rather.

Firstly, i can't stand the way i can't have full control of my own life.
I give in to temptations, vulnerabilities, weakness etc etc.
I am such a sucker.
I can't find ways to make myself even stronger or independent for that matters.
I can't push myself entirely to really move on. I've tried. I know i've tried, maybe i'm still not good enough for this challenge. What a loser i am.
I seem to be stuck in this fucking rut. Me being the sucker, me getting hurt blah blah.
I find my life a big mess at times. Things don't go my way, and me being the typical Arian Perfectionist literally feel that my life is being wrecked whenever things don't go my way, or when i can't control certain things. Or worse still, when i lose out, or i lose in some form of competition or another

And the only way to partially overcome all these is to create some malicious intents. But i dont suppose i'll hurt everyone that comes into my life.
I think i've changed.
Some ppl think i have. They don't see me the way the used to see me. They might judge me, but its okay, its absolutely normal and i understand.
They will probably never think very highly of me now (which really doesn't matter to me anymore)
They will see me in a different light.
And they will definitely know what a sucker and a weakling i am.

This, is the real me

This morning, i woke up, thinking that last night, the convo between me and kow was a nightmare. Just now, i woke up from my nap, i thought i had a nightmare too.
But guess what, its not a nightmare. It did happen. And the fucking day has come.

I'm thinking of ways to ease the pain.

With that, i'm going on a short hiatus. Look forward to my posts on Sydney

Yours,
Grace