Memories. Love 'em or Hate 'em?

Xmas Eve @ Walas

Memories, what do they mean to you?
It has been 4 months, and i've finally mustered the courage to open the picture folders in my computer. Looking through pictures of the once 'us', evoked so much memories. Good and bad, such that i'm confused whether memories are good or bad.

The good:
Our first kiss, first time we held hands, first date, first movies, first sleepover, first phone conversation, first homecooked meal, first Valentines day, first hug, first "i love you", the make-ups after every quarrel, the surprises, the attention from a special someone. The list could really go on.

And suddenly, i miss having someone i could experience all these with. Lets just pray that its one of the days where i feel most vulnerable and emotional. 2 yrs of being together has given me an entirely different insight on love. No wonder they say its love that brings out the worse in a person. You can choose not to agree with me. Till today, of course i still miss those nice memories of us.

The bad:
The lies and deceptions, the endless nights of tears, the feeling of being treated like dirt, the heartache, the jealousy, the countless quarrels, the tonnes of hurt. The list could also go on.

I cringe everytime i think about how i was hurt in that fucked up relationship. How it didn't lasted, how i couldnt understand feelings could fade in a span of 1 fucking month, how he made me fall for him, and then end up ditching me. How he made me go through tormenting shit even before we got together. How he was such a coward who couldn't even tell me things straight into my face.

And so, everytime i think about all these, i swear never to get serious with any other guy, unless they fall head over heels for me. I want to hurt the next guy, if i find that he's not serious enough. I want to be the person to hurt another. Period. What goes around comes around? Am i not right?

And so, whether i think about the good or the bad, i cry. (only for today i think), cuz im feeling fucked up. Frankly, i can't remember the last time i had a good cry because of memories. I don't know if is it because i choose to tell myself that i've gotten over it, or is it because i tell myself to dump that fucking thing called emotional baggage.. I really don't know. I tell ppl i've moved on. Yes i tell myself that too. But you know, when i sit down and really think about it, its like..an in between thing. On some days, i feel i already have moved on, on certain days, i feel like i haven't quite moved on completely.

In any case, till today, i still don't dare to read my old diary entries, nor my old blog entries. I'm scared that i'll be sad all over again. So what does that say, have i moved on or have i not? And also, i've stopped writing my diary ever since 4 mths ago. I wanna burn them, yet i don't want to. WTF is wrong with me?